adventure buddies
Highlighting the value of searching for the illusive relationship with another adventurous soul
Vernal Break road trip with Michaela, Dani, and LK March 2019
You expected the story of My Year of Healing in the Tetons. I needed an upbeat palette cleanser for my second attempt though, like when I teach ballet and alternate barre exercises between fun and serious. Although, the student interpretation probably differs from my own on that point(e). Uffda, that’s some strong side eye happening there! And besides, I can’t make sweet Steph cry twice in a row!
Instead, I have this little ditty that’s been camping out in my Word files waiting for it’s moment to shine (happy Leo Szn!). AND it’s a perfect opportunity to highlight some folks on my Inspirations page! Well, isn’t that convenient? Yes, I will introduce all my adventure buddies one at a time through a weekly spotlight newsletter beginning soon. ish. For now, please learn from some of our wanderings…
“Everyone needs a friend that will call and say, ‘Get dressed, we are going on an adventure!’”
Think of me as your guide. My hope for this diatribe is to help someone out there struggling. You’re not the only one who feels the task of getting to know someone else and building a friendship is insurmountable. As Glennon Doyle says, “You can do hard things.” I believe in you and someone spectacular is lucky to have the chance to adventure with you. (Then, please come back and spill the tea. I wanna know how you made it happen and how it went!)
My young friend, Dani, recently asked whether I enjoy having a running partner. She continued, “how could [I] possibly make it work? It just seems like one could never hold a conversation while running. I mean, how is it not awkward, even just to find something to talk about let alone talk while trying to breathe hard?” I responded with acknowledgement, “You’re absolutely right – it is super, super hard to find that clutch running buddy that (a) has a similar pace so you can speak while running or make it through the awkward pauses when trudging up hills, (b) someone you get along with that can hold good conversations and works well on an interpersonal level, and (c) wants to run the same distance, places, or is open-minded about switching things up versus keeping it consistent.”
Then, a story slowly unspools from the depths of my heart. My personal infamous, gossipy tale that ends with me bestowing the moniker Benedict Arnold on a long-ago ex-adventure buddy. One I haven’t shared. (Good ole Bennie. For that story, you may have to wait for my memoir…it may be a while. That’s a long sidebar that we don’t have time for today.) Continuing gratuitously over the phone line, I extol the adventures Bennie and I shared from trail running to all-female group backpacking adventures to cooking classes to road trips and more.
Although we ran together, it wasn’t about The Running. Originally, it was. Of course, shrug. Along with all the other natural reasons that anyone tries incredibly hard to find and keep running partners, accountability claims the mainstage. We all know that it is significantly easier to be motivated by someone else than getting yourself up and out that door.
Eventually though, my relationship with Bennie grew deeper. The adventures themselves and the time together they involved took superiority. We attempted running new trails and facing new challenges. We became THE dynamic duo. We won races, we impressed people, blah blah blah. We shared a unique bond for which I am now sensing the loss of as a gutting so completely, fully, tragically. I haven’t mourned that loss, nor acknowledged the gravity of losing such an important relationship in my life. Until now.
These days, people enjoy the claim that the OG Benedict Arnold was not a traitor so maybe in retrospect my Bennie isn’t either. Maybe she served a grander purpose. Bennie and I, our story at least, discloses how imperative having an adventure buddy genuinely is. Seemingly, adults find it increasingly more difficult to meet and sustain friendships across the nation (world?). In a time where we are all looking for a friend, and quite possibly desperately so, let me share with you why you should be that adventure buddy that someone else seeks. I aim to not overstep and tell you how to be. I think you should simply be. Yourself, that is. I can promise though, that it will be a worthwhile endeavor to get out and work towards exploring your world with another soul.
Everywhere I go, each new state I live in, I hunt for an adventure buddy and not once have I regretted the attempts to do so or the relationships I discovered. In fact, other than good ole Bennie, I keep up with all my various adventure buddies and hope to create this as an ode to each of them.
Having outlined the why—companionship, accountability, building a healthy habit of exercise, and getting outdoors to enjoy fresh air—I will now humbly attempt to enlighten you on the how:
Step One – Where to start?
Stop by a local running store* and ask whether they host a group run. They don’t? Then try to convince them to! If you’re up for the challenge, then help lead it.
Search for local groups on social media sites. I know, I know. It does work though! It paid off for me. I scrolled and responded and even stepped out of my comfortable pattern of morning runs just to have someone to run alongside. I relished that Bridge Loop every Monday night no matter how much those slight inclines haunted me. I also enjoyed lively conversation and (re)learned how to socialize post-pandemic.
Anyway, where else? Hmmm…sometimes local coffee shops know which groups show up after a run or have a corkboard with info. Maybe post your own?
Find an event that interests you. Volunteer at races. Explore new places. Strike up conversation when out on the trails, while walking your neighborhood, or anywhere around town.
Or simply reach out to a current friend or friends that would like to add a little adventure time to their weekly routine.
*Special note: In case you’re wondering, running can be substituted for any sport, exercise, or outing such as hiking, cycling, yoga, rock climbing, kayaking, art festivals, walking around antique shops, etc. Therefore, stop by any shop that is specific to the adventures you are most interested in. Similar to the Choose Your Own Adventure books of days past, feel free to create your own definition for “Adventure Buddy” here.
You’re right, that’s soooo basic. And obvious. Well, before you roll your eyes too much, please allow me to gently remind you that refreshers on basics can save lives. Being brave enough to reach out to those around you during adulthood when we feel we’ve lost those skills after graduating high school is difficult, takes bravery AND practice.
Sprite and friends, Lauren, Tanya, and Max, pause for a photo overlooking Oyster Bay. Lauren and LK became friends by “standing next to each other” during a dance teacher meeting.
Step Two – Stand next to someone and say ‘hello’
Upon moving to Salt Lake City for grad school, I knew I would need a friend outside of my cohort. Someone who could offer perspective. Someone who could offer necessary distractions or time away from my studies. After discovering a local athletic store was holding an event, I took the risk of showing up alone. An exuberant lady walked up to introduce herself, gathered names, began an entry-level conversation, shared smiles, and eased nerves. How lucky was I that we were asked to pair up for our workout?!
I would not have survived grad school without this particular adventure buddy. Clybe introduced me to the luxury of snowy evenings in a hot tub sipping coconut water. We rollerbladed along a river trail and enjoyed yoga dates all over town, including on the Capitol building lawn. There were magical local concerts and new dinner spots to attempt. She cheered me on and lamented with me when I felt slighted by those in my cohort. All simply because Clybe was brave enough to utter the word ‘hello’ rather than keeping to herself.
Yes, most likely you must be the one to go out and be the one to start a conversation; it can feel intimidating. However, it is also deeply rewarding. Moral of the story: Don’t wait for someone to reach out, take that risk! Even if you face rejection, I’m willing to bet my Reese’s peanut butter cups that you learned a little bit more about yourself. Isn’t that in itself worth it? I certainly believe so.
Clybe's compilation of adventures with LK
“Life was made for good friends & great adventures.”
Liz visits LK in WA state
Liz and LK kayak in the San Juans.
Liz visits LK in ID/WY/MT
Dogsledding in Big Sky was a highlight of the Yellowstone in winter experience.
Step Three – Keep it up!
If you’re playing the “word of the year” game, then I put forth one that holds the deepest meaning in the context of relationships – reciprocity. This term holds within it the capacity for respect. The golden rule comes to mind. You know the concept: “do unto others as you would have done unto you.” And to be as clear as a cold mountain stream, I offer you this definition:
reciprocal – adj. given or felt by each toward the other; mutual
Although the most difficult step in building a relationship, it remains the most crucial. Life is hard and there are many variables that can keep you from finding time for that special friend whom you want to explore trails with or check out the new rock-climbing gym together. I won’t extol the virtues of keeping your promises once you set plans. You already know it’s imperative. You know why. You know how it feels to be cancelled on. If you find it helpful to set reminders or keep the day of the week and time consistent, then do so. Make it easy on yourself and your new friend at first. Then with patience, allow for growth, or more accurately, growing pains. There may be awkward starts and pauses and that is common.
Also, like I highlighted above, not to fear being the one to reach out, I want to share how unfair it is to always expect your adventure buddy to be the one to make plans. Organizing an adventure can be tough work, no matter how small the outing is. Share the load. Taking on a shared sense of responsibility proves how much you value the relationship, and it subtly shows how deeply invested you are. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Communicating your needs upfront and actively listening to the needs of your partner in adventure will aid the process of finding and setting aside time to explore your community together.
This is the appropriate location for the “how to” on holding conversations with strangers in case you want it. Asking lots of questions is good and asking with genuine curiosity is better. As an educator, my favorite phrase is “Seek to understand.” We connect through stories. Ask your new buddy to share theirs. Don’t be afraid of ice breaker activities. (Again, with the educator-ness. Gahhh! #cantstopwontstop) Don’t fear the awkwardness of these! Most likely, you will gain an inside joke from the undertaking. Seriously, who can resist two truths and lie? It’s also possible that coming prepared to discuss your favorite book or whatever you are currently binging on Netflix will be convenient topics to make strides with. Overall, keep up the effort.
Sprite and friend, Katie, decipher which wildfleurs’ names they remember along Darby Canyon, Wyoming.
Step Four – Learn to take defeat standing up
If needed; rinse, repeat, and try again. It may not work out the first or even fifth time you introduce yourself in yoga class and aim for a night out next time. Yes, you probably see this step as the most trying and exhausting. I personally enjoy meeting new people, so I don’t mind when it doesn’t lead to finding a bestie for the restie. Simply adjusting your perspective on expectations lifts the pressure on a new relationship. Relishing each outing individually for the moment that it encompasses will leave you feeling more fulfilled and hopefully abate desires to overanalyze the experience.
No matter how difficult to keep patience alive, you and your will are stronger. Your future self will appreciate and admire the mental fortitude you are currently carefully crafting. So, laugh at the mishaps and share the tall tales of all the failures. Guaranteed they are good ones and will provide comic relief for years to come!
For example, when I moved back to the PNW after grad school, I became desperate for a friend. Here in this cold and distant climate, it’s nearly impossible to woo someone into hanging out and even more difficult to keep it consistent. That’s simply not the style here in the heart of the infamous “Seattle Freeze.” Although, I should probably be forthcoming by admitting that I had no intention of returning to the Evergreen state upon pealing out early August of 2017 for an MFA at the University of Utah. It’s truly amazing what love can trick a person into. I found an amazing life partner, so a three-year stint back in the land of the ferries, fairies, and faeries seemed a mere blip on the radar of life. Or, so I thought.
However, as year number two of searching for a career position and chances of discovering friends slipped by, the situation became an exacerbated cliché. I mean, I tried a lot of things. One could say ALL the things and would not be wrong. I went to book club meetings and local farmer’s markets and walked around town saying hello kindly to everyone I met. My dire need for companionship caused me to change my schedule to become open to evening runs.
Meredachtyl and I became pandemic Bremerton Bridge loopers together—a 3-5 mi route depending on how we felt each Monday. We invited others to join, keeping it open but hardly anyone came out for a second round. We were intimidating? I really don’t think so. Not sure why but it probably had to do with my bad attitude towards Western WA. Gulp. Yep, I am the responsible party for voicing my anger and frustrations relentlessly during those runs. Even still, Meredachtyl stuck by me.
Staying consistent, Meredachtyl and I ended up enjoying some local trails together, a snowy Christmas Eve hike, lots of coffee, and joining a local Wednesday night running group despite several years of me moving back and forth between Idaho. When everyone else kept bowing out, Meredachtyl remained a constant. So it will happen for you too. The person perfectly suited for this time to share your life will appear and be there for you just as you will be there for them. BE-lieve it.
Finding a running buddy obviously saved me. The ability to escape the crushing mental jail I found myself in was powerful enough to create hope. You may claim hibernation fits your introverted lifestyle best. Yet, humans are not meant to function as solitary creatures. If you suffered loneliness during the 2020 shutdown, you may understand this acutely. I love a solitary walk in nature to clear my head and it holds value amidst modern stresses. However, I want to leave you with the B side of your favorite old vinyl – Instead of thinking these ideas outline how to become an extrovert, please consider how you could provide a rainbow to someone else’s raincloud.
Meredachtyl:
“I made an actual friend in Bremerton during a pandemic. Perhaps my biggest achievement in 2021. Here is photo evidence - we went for a magical walk in the woods together today ✨”
Step Five – Knowing when to let go
If things refuse to go well, do not feel guilty about changing paths and searching for a new adventure buddy. Maybe a specific friend is better as a “once each season” kind of fellow adventurer. Or maybe it’s simply time to part ways. Draw healthy boundaries or leave graciously. Take the time to grieve the relationship. Allow yourself to reflect on what mattered most to you during that relationship and why. Perform a deep evaluation on how the cogs ran smoothly. Contemplate ways to make time with the next friend better, easier, more mutually beneficial. Above all, know that eventually things will work out. You will receive the love you throw out into the world back someday by double. You want proof, I can sense it…
A lot of my dancer friends tried keeping up with me and I either missed their messages until years later (still feeling guilt for that one Nashvegas Roomie Crew) or fell short of returning texts/calls/emails. Moving a lot means a lot more friends and a lot more scattering to keep up with. It’s entirely my fault though, I admit. Sometimes we don’t have the time or energy or the focus needed. And that’s ok. This is one of the very few benefits to social media; I am able to cheer those friends on and celebrate their life updates from afar. They had to let go of a close, adventurous style relationship with me and I with them. Yet, we still have each other and the opportunity to reach out, to be there for each other closely again. Our love has not faded despite the miles between us.
As for the ones I’ve truly let go, the decision wasn’t easy. It never will be for anyone. Goodbyes just aren’t. However, a goodbye creates room for another hello.
Pictured: Evidence that the love you share comes back 100x.
Apologies to my adventure buddies who didn’t get mentioned in story form. I’m pacing myself here so those tales will appear in later episodes. Hopefully, pictures will suffice and entice in the meantime!
Your turn! What ways did you encounter your adventure buddy and what frolics have you enjoyed together? Your stories are sure to surprise and delight me as well as those in this community we build here. I am deeply grateful for you and your bravery in sharing. Also, what did I miss? Please let us know so we can learn from your valuable experiences! And of course, as always, happy frolicking! ~ Stay Wild, Sprite